The Devil's Dictionary — Ambrose Bierce

The Devil's Dictionary

Ambrose Bierce · Licence: Public domain · Source

• PORTUGUESE, n.pl. A species of geese indigenous to Portugal. They are mostly without feathers and imperfectly edible, even when stuffed with garlic. ¶1223
• POSITIVE, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice. ¶1224
• POSITIVISM, n. A philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real and affirms our ignorance of the Apparent. Its longest exponent is Comte, its broadest Mill and its thickest Spencer. ¶1225
• POSTERITY, n. An appellate court which reverses the judgment of a popular author's contemporaries, the appellant being his obscure competitor. ¶1226
• PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. ¶1229
• PRECIPITATE, adj. Anteprandial. ¶1232
• Precipitate in all, this sinner Took action first, and then his dinner. ¶1233
• PREDICAMENT, n. The wage of consistency. ¶1236
• PREDILECTION, n. The preparatory stage of disillusion. ¶1237
• PRE-EXISTENCE, n. An unnoted factor in creation. ¶1238
• PREFERENCE, n. A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by the erroneous belief that one thing is better than another. ¶1239
• An ancient philosopher, expounding his conviction that life is no better than death, was asked by a disciple why, then, he did not die. "Because," he replied, "death is no better than life." ¶1240
• PREHISTORIC, adj. Belonging to an early period and a museum. Antedating the art and practice of perpetuating falsehood. ¶1242
• He lived in a period prehistoric, When all was absurd and phantasmagoric. Born later, when Clio, celestial recorder, Set down great events in succession and order, He surely had seen nothing droll or fortuitous In anything here but the lies that she threw at us. ¶1243
• PREJUDICE, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. ¶1245
• PRELATE, n. A church officer having a superior degree of holiness and a fat preferment. One of Heaven's aristocracy. A gentleman of God. ¶1246
• PREROGATIVE, n. A sovereign's right to do wrong. ¶1247
• PRESBYTERIAN, n. One who holds the conviction that the government authorities of the Church should be called presbyters. ¶1248
• PRESCRIPTION, n. A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient. ¶1249
• PRESENT, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope. ¶1250
• PRESENTABLE, adj. Hideously appareled after the manner of the time and place. ¶1251
• In Boorioboola-Gha a man is presentable on occasions of ceremony if he have his abdomen painted a bright blue and wear a cow's tail; in New York he may, if it please him, omit the paint, but after sunset he must wear two tails made of the wool of a sheep and dyed black. ¶1252
• PRESIDE, v. To guide the action of a deliberative body to a desirable result. In Journalese, to perform upon a musical instrument; as, "He presided at the piccolo." ¶1253
• PRESIDENCY, n. The greased pig in the field game of American politics. ¶1256
• PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom-- and of whom only--it is positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them for President. ¶1257
• If that's an honor surely 'tis a greater To have been a simple and undamned spectator. Behold in me a man of mark and note Whom no elector e'er denied a vote!-- An undiscredited, unhooted gent Who might, for all we know, be President By acclamation. Cheer, ye varlets, cheer-- I'm passing with a wide and open ear! ¶1258
• PREVARICATOR, n. A liar in the caterpillar state. ¶1260
• PRICE, n. Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of conscience in demanding it. ¶1261
• PRIMATE, n. The head of a church, especially a State church supported by involuntary contributions. The Primate of England is the Archbishop of Canterbury, an amiable old gentleman, who occupies Lambeth Palace when living and Westminster Abbey when dead. He is commonly dead. ¶1262
• PRISON, n. A place of punishments and rewards. The poet assures us that-- ¶1263
• "Stone walls do not a prison make," ¶1264
• but a combination of the stone wall, the political parasite and the moral instructor is no garden of sweets. ¶1265
• PRIVATE, n. A military gentleman with a field-marshal's baton in his knapsack and an impediment in his hope. ¶1266
• PROBOSCIS, n. The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk. ¶1267
• PROOF, n. Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of unlikelihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to that of only one. ¶1270
• PROOF-READER, n. A malefactor who atones for making your writing nonsense by permitting the compositor to make it unintelligible. ¶1271
• PROPERTY, n. Any material thing, having no particular value, that may be held by A against the cupidity of B. Whatever gratifies the passion for possession in one and disappoints it in all others. The object of man's brief rapacity and long indifference. ¶1272
• PROPHECY, n. The art and practice of selling one's credibility for future delivery. ¶1273
• PROSPECT, n. An outlook, usually forbidding. An expectation, usually forbidden. ¶1274
• Blow, blow, ye spicy breezes-- O'er Ceylon blow your breath, Where every prospect pleases, Save only that of death. ¶1275

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