The Devil's Dictionary — Ambrose Bierce

The Devil's Dictionary

Ambrose Bierce · Licence: Public domain · Source

• While it was turning nice and brown, All unconcerned John met the frown Of that austere and righteous town. ¶1551
• "How sad," his neighbors said, "that he So scornful of the law should be-- An anar c, h, i, s, t." ¶1552
• (That is the way that they preferred To utter the abhorrent word, So strong the aversion that it stirred.) ¶1553
• "Resolved," they said, continuing, "That Badman John must cease this thing Of having his unlawful fling. ¶1554
• "Now, by these sacred relics"--here Each man had out a souvenir Got at a lynching yesteryear-- ¶1555
• "By these we swear he shall forsake His ways, nor cause our hearts to ache By sins of rope and torch and stake. ¶1556
• "We'll tie his red right hand until He'll have small freedom to fulfil The mandates of his lawless will." ¶1557
• So, in convention then and there, They named him Sheriff. The affair Was opened, it is said, with prayer. ¶1558
• SIREN, n. One of several musical prodigies famous for a vain attempt to dissuade Odysseus from a life on the ocean wave. Figuratively, any lady of splendid promise, dissembled purpose and disappointing performance. ¶1560
• SLANG, n. The grunt of the human hog (_Pignoramus intolerabilis_) with an audible memory. The speech of one who utters with his tongue what he thinks with his ear, and feels the pride of a creator in accomplishing the feat of a parrot. A means (under Providence) of setting up as a wit without a capital of sense. ¶1561
• SMITHAREEN, n. A fragment, a decomponent part, a remain. The word is used variously, but in the following verse on a noted female reformer who opposed bicycle-riding by women because it "led them to the devil" it is seen at its best: ¶1562
• His bad opponent's "facts" he sweeps away, And drags his sophistry to light of day; Then swears they're pushed to madness who resort To falsehood of so desperate a sort. Not so; like sods upon a dead man's breast, He lies most lightly who the least is pressed. ¶1566
• STORY, n. A narrative, commonly untrue. The truth of the stories here following has, however, not been successfully impeached. ¶1572
• One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seated at dinner alongside Mr. Percival Pollard, the distinguished critic. ¶1573
• "Mr. Pollard," said he, "my book, _The Biography of a Dead Cow_, is published anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of its authorship. Yet in reviewing it you speak of it as the work of the Idiot of the Century. Do you think that fair criticism?" ¶1574
• "I am very sorry, sir," replied the critic, amiably, "but it did not occur to me that you really might not wish the public to know who wrote it." ¶1575
• "Why, Owen," said one, "what brings you here on such a night as this? You told me that this is one of Vasquez' favorite haunts! And you are a believer. Aren't you afraid to be out?" ¶1577
• "My dear fellow," the journalist replied with a drear autumnal cadence in his speech, like the moan of a leaf-laden wind, "I am afraid to be in. I have one of Will Morrow's stories in my pocket and I don't dare to go where there is light enough to read it." ¶1578
• Rear-Admiral Schley and Representative Charles F. Joy were standing near the Peace Monument, in Washington, discussing the question, Is success a failure? Mr. Joy suddenly broke off in the middle of an eloquent sentence, exclaiming: "Hello! I've heard that band before. Santlemann's, I think." ¶1579
• "I don't hear any band," said Schley. ¶1580
• "Come to think, I don't either," said Joy; "but I see General Miles coming down the avenue, and that pageant always affects me in the same way as a brass band. One has to scrutinize one's impressions pretty closely, or one will mistake their origin." ¶1581
• While the Admiral was digesting this hasty meal of philosophy General Miles passed in review, a spectacle of impressive dignity. When the tail of the seeming procession had passed and the two observers had recovered from the transient blindness caused by its effulgence-- ¶1582
• "He seems to be enjoying himself," said the Admiral. ¶1583
• "There is nothing," assented Joy, thoughtfully, "that he enjoys one-half so well." ¶1584
• "Champ, it is not right to leave that mule out there in the sun. He'll roast, sure!--he was smoking as I passed him." ¶1586
• "O, he's all right," said Clark, lightly; "he's an inveterate smoker." ¶1587
• The neighbor took a lemonade, but shook his head and repeated that it was not right. ¶1588
• "For mercy's sake!" he said, taking it with sugar, "do remove that mule, barkeeper: it smells." ¶1590
• "Yes," interposed Clark, "that animal has the best nose in Missouri. But if he doesn't mind, you shouldn't." ¶1591
• "You confounded remote ancestor!" thundered the great strategist, "what do you mean by being out of bed after naps?--and with my coat on!" ¶1594
• "Spoon, old man, when leaving you last evening I forgot to ask you about those excellent cigars. Where did you get them?" ¶1596
• General Wotherspoon did not deign to reply, but walked away. ¶1597
• "Pardon me, please," said Barry, moving after him; "I was joking of course. Why, I knew it was not you before I had been in the room fifteen minutes." ¶1598
• SUCCESS, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows. In literature, and particularly in poetry, the elements of success are exceedingly simple, and are admirably set forth in the following lines by the reverend Father Gassalasca Jape, entitled, for some mysterious reason, "John A. Joyce." ¶1599
• The bard who would prosper must carry a book, Do his thinking in prose and wear A crimson cravat, a far-away look And a head of hexameter hair. Be thin in your thought and your body'll be fat; If you wear your hair long you needn't your hat. ¶1600
• SYCOPHANT, n. One who approaches Greatness on his belly so that he may not be commanded to turn and be kicked. He is sometimes an editor. ¶1602
• SYLLOGISM, n. A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor assumption and an inconsequent. (See LOGIC.) ¶1604
• SYMBOLIC, adj. Pertaining to symbols and the use and interpretation of symbols. ¶1607
• TABLE D'HOTE, n. A caterer's thrifty concession to the universal passion for irresponsibility. ¶1612
• Old Paunchinello, freshly wed, Took Madam P. to table, And there deliriously fed As fast as he was able. ¶1613

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