The Devil's Dictionary — Ambrose Bierce

The Devil's Dictionary

Ambrose Bierce · الترخيص: Public domain · المصدر

• "I dote upon good grub," he cried, Intent upon its throatage. "Ah, yes," said the neglected bride, "You're in your _table d'hotage_." ¶1614
• TAKE, v.t. To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth. ¶1617
• TALK, v.t. To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an impulse without purpose. ¶1618
• TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer. ¶1619
• The Enemy of Human Souls Sat grieving at the cost of coals; For Hell had been annexed of late, And was a sovereign Southern State. ¶1620
• TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally. ¶1625
• TELEPHONE, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. ¶1626
• TELESCOPE, n. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a bell summoning us to the sacrifice. ¶1627
• TORTOISE, n. A creature thoughtfully created to supply occasion for the following lines by the illustrious Ambat Delaso: ¶1634
• My friend, you are not graceful--not at all; Your gait's between a stagger and a sprawl. ¶1636
• Nor are you beautiful: your head's a snake's To look at, and I do not doubt it aches. ¶1637
• As to your feet, they'd make an angel weep. 'Tis true you take them in whene'er you sleep. ¶1638
• No, you're not pretty, but you have, I own, A certain firmness--mostly you're [sic] backbone. ¶1639
• Firmness and strength (you have a giant's thews) Are virtues that the great know how to use-- ¶1640
• I wish that they did not; yet, on the whole, You lack--excuse my mentioning it--Soul. ¶1641
• So, to be candid, unreserved and true, I'd rather you were I than I were you. ¶1642
• Perhaps, however, in a time to be, When Man's extinct, a better world may see ¶1643
• Your progeny in power and control, Due to the genesis and growth of Soul. ¶1644
• So I salute you as a reptile grand Predestined to regenerate the land. ¶1645
• Father of Possibilities, O deign To accept the homage of a dying reign! ¶1646
• In the far region of the unforeknown I dream a tortoise upon every throne. ¶1647
• I see an Emperor his head withdraw Into his carapace for fear of Law; ¶1648
• A King who carries something else than fat, Howe'er acceptably he carries that; ¶1649
• A President not strenuously bent On punishment of audible dissent-- ¶1650
• Who never shot (it were a vain attack) An armed or unarmed tortoise in the back; ¶1651
• Subject and citizens that feel no need To make the March of Mind a wild stampede; ¶1652
• All progress slow, contemplative, sedate, And "Take your time" the word, in Church and State. ¶1653
• O Tortoise, 'tis a happy, happy dream, My glorious testudinous regime! ¶1654
• I wish in Eden you'd brought this about By slouching in and chasing Adam out. ¶1655
• TRICHINOSIS, n. The pig's reply to proponents of porcophagy. ¶1660
• Moses Mendlessohn having fallen ill sent for a Christian physician, who at once diagnosed the philosopher's disorder as trichinosis, but tactfully gave it another name. "You need an immediate change of diet," he said; "you must eat six ounces of pork every other day." ¶1661
• "Pork?" shrieked the patient--"pork? Nothing shall induce me to touch it!" ¶1662
• "Do you mean that?" the doctor gravely asked. ¶1663
• "Good!--then I will undertake to cure you." ¶1665
• TRUTH, n. An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance. Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is the most ancient occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect of existing with increasing activity to the end of time. ¶1669
• TRUTHFUL, adj. Dumb and illiterate. ¶1670
• TRUST, n. In American politics, a large corporation composed in greater part of thrifty working men, widows of small means, orphans in the care of guardians and the courts, with many similar malefactors and public enemies. ¶1671
• TURKEY, n. A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude. Incidentally, it is pretty good eating. ¶1672
• TYPE, n. Pestilent bits of metal suspected of destroying civilization and enlightenment, despite their obvious agency in this incomparable dictionary. ¶1674
• TZETZE (or TSETSE) FLY, n. An African insect (_Glossina morsitans_) whose bite is commonly regarded as nature's most efficacious remedy for insomnia, though some patients prefer that of the American novelist (_Mendax interminabilis_). ¶1675

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