The Devil's Dictionary — Ambrose Bierce

The Devil's Dictionary

Ambrose Bierce · Άδεια: Public domain · Πηγή

• UGLINESS, n. A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue without humility. ¶1678
• ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions. ¶1679
• Having received an ultimatum from Austria, the Turkish Ministry met to consider it. ¶1680
• "O servant of the Prophet," said the Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk to the Mamoosh of the Invincible Army, "how many unconquerable soldiers have we in arms?" ¶1681
• "Upholder of the Faith," that dignitary replied after examining his memoranda, "they are in numbers as the leaves of the forest!" ¶1682
• "And how many impenetrable battleships strike terror to the hearts of all Christian swine?" he asked the Imaum of the Ever Victorious Navy. ¶1683
• "Uncle of the Full Moon," was the reply, "deign to know that they are as the waves of the ocean, the sands of the desert and the stars of Heaven!" ¶1684
• UN-AMERICAN, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish. ¶1686
• "My son," said the priest, "this is what we fear." ¶1688
• UNDERSTANDING, n. A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to know a house from a horse by the roof on the house. Its nature and laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, and Kant, who lived in a horse. ¶1689
• UNITARIAN, n. One who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian. ¶1692
• UNIVERSALIST, n. One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons of another faith. ¶1693
• URBANITY, n. The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to dwellers in all cities but New York. Its commonest expression is heard in the words, "I beg your pardon," and it is not inconsistent with disregard of the rights of others. ¶1694
• The owner of a powder mill Was musing on a distant hill-- Something his mind foreboded-- When from the cloudless sky there fell A deviled human kidney! Well, The man's mill had exploded. His hat he lifted from his head; "I beg your pardon, sir," he said; "I didn't know 'twas loaded." ¶1695
• USAGE, n. The First Person of the literary Trinity, the Second and Third being Custom and Conventionality. Imbued with a decent reverence for this Holy Triad an industrious writer may hope to produce books that will live as long as the fashion. ¶1697
• UXORIOUSNESS, n. A perverted affection that has strayed to one's own wife. ¶1698
• VALOR, n. A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler's hope. ¶1700
• "Why have you halted?" roared the commander of a division and Chickamauga, who had ordered a charge; "move forward, sir, at once." ¶1701
• "General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring them into collision with the enemy." ¶1702
• VANITY, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass. ¶1703
• VIRTUES, n.pl. Certain abstentions. ¶1706
• VITUPERATION, n. Satire, as understood by dunces and all such as suffer from an impediment in their wit. ¶1707
• VOTE, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country. ¶1708
• WALL STREET, n. A symbol of sin for every devil to rebuke. That Wall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven. Even the great and good Andrew Carnegie has made his profession of faith in the matter. ¶1711
• heard from afar Ancestral voices prophesying war. ¶1715
• WASHINGTONIAN, n. A Potomac tribesman who exchanged the privilege of governing himself for the advantage of good government. In justice to him it should be said that he did not want to. ¶1717
• They took away his vote and gave instead The right, when he had earned, to _eat_ his bread. In vain--he clamors for his "boss," pour soul, To come again and part him from his roll. ¶1718
• WEAKNESSES, n.pl. Certain primal powers of Tyrant Woman wherewith she holds dominion over the male of her species, binding him to the service of her will and paralyzing his rebellious energies. ¶1720
• WEDDING, n. A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable. ¶1724
• WEREWOLF, n. A wolf that was once, or is sometimes, a man. All werewolves are of evil disposition, having assumed a bestial form to gratify a beastial appetite, but some, transformed by sorcery, are as humane as is consistent with an acquired taste for human flesh. ¶1725
• WHANGDEPOOTENAWAH, n. In the Ojibwa tongue, disaster; an unexpected affliction that strikes hard. ¶1727
• WHEAT, n. A cereal from which a tolerably good whisky can with some difficulty be made, and which is used also for bread. The French are said to eat more bread _per capita_ of population than any other people, which is natural, for only they know how to make the stuff palatable. ¶1730
• WIDOW, n. A pathetic figure that the Christian world has agreed to take humorously, although Christ's tenderness towards widows was one of the most marked features of his character. ¶1732
• WINE, n. Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian Union as "liquor," sometimes as "rum." Wine, madam, is God's next best gift to man. ¶1733
• WIT, n. The salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out. ¶1734
• WITCH, n. (1) Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil. ¶1735
• WITTICISM, n. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted, and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a "joke." ¶1736
• Ambitious fool! so mad to be a show! How profitless the labor you bestow Upon a dwelling whose magnificence The tenant neither can admire nor know. ¶1741
• Build deep, build high, build massive as you can, The wanton grass-roots will defeat the plan By shouldering asunder all the stones In what to you would be a moment's span. ¶1742
• Time to the dead so all unreckoned flies That when your marble is all dust, arise, If wakened, stretch your limbs and yawn-- You'll think you scarcely can have closed your eyes. ¶1743

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