The Devil's Dictionary — Ambrose Bierce

The Devil's Dictionary

Ambrose Bierce · Άδεια: Public domain · Πηγή

• When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he was observed to be deeply moved. "What!" said one of his disciples, "you weep at the death of an enemy?" "Ah, 'tis true," replied the great Stoic; "but you should see me smile at the death of a friend." ¶231
• CALUMNUS, n. A graduate of the School for Scandal. ¶232
• CAMEL, n. A quadruped (the _Splaypes humpidorsus_) of great value to the show business. There are two kinds of camels--the camel proper and the camel improper. It is the latter that is always exhibited. ¶233
• CANNIBAL, n. A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period. ¶234
• CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries. ¶235
• CANONICALS, n. The motley worm by Jesters of the Court of Heaven. ¶236
• CARMELITE, n. A mendicant friar of the order of Mount Carmel. ¶238
• With a rattle and bang Of his bones, he sprang From his famous Pale Horse, with his spear; By the neck and the foot Seized the fellow, and put Him astride with his face to the rear. ¶240
• The Monarch laughed loud with a sound that fell Like clods on the coffin's sounding shell: "Ho, ho! A beggar on horseback, they say, Will ride to the devil!"--and _thump_ Fell the flat of his dart on the rump Of the charger, which galloped away. ¶241
• CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous vegetarian, his heirs and assigns. ¶245
• CAT, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle. ¶247
• This is a dog, This is a cat. This is a frog, This is a rat. Run, dog, mew, cat. Jump, frog, gnaw, rat. ¶248
• CAVILER, n. A critic of our own work. ¶250
• CEMETERY, n. An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager. The inscriptions following will serve to illustrate the success attained in these Olympian games: ¶251
• His virtues were so conspicuous that his enemies, unable to overlook them, denied them, and his friends, to whose loose lives they were a rebuke, represented them as vices. They are here commemorated by his family, who shared them. In the earth we here prepare a Place to lay our little Clara. ¶252
• CHILDHOOD, n. The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth--two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age. ¶257
• CHRISTIAN, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. ¶258
• CIRCUS, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool. ¶261
• CLAIRVOYANT, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead. ¶262
• CLARIONET, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet--two clarionets. ¶263
• CLERGYMAN, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of bettering his temporal ones. ¶264
• CLIO, n. One of the nine Muses. Clio's function was to preside over history--which she did with great dignity, many of the prominent citizens of Athens occupying seats on the platform, the meetings being addressed by Messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus and other popular speakers. ¶265
• CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him. ¶266
• A busy man complained one day: "I get no time!" "What's that you say?" Cried out his friend, a lazy quiz; "You have, sir, all the time there is. There's plenty, too, and don't you doubt it-- We're never for an hour without it." ¶267
• CLOSE-FISTED, adj. Unduly desirous of keeping that which many meritorious persons wish to obtain. ¶269
• "Close-fisted Scotchman!" Johnson cried To thrifty J. Macpherson; "See me--I'm ready to divide With any worthy person." Sad Jamie: "That is very true-- The boast requires no backing; And all are worthy, sir, to you, Who have what you are lacking." ¶270
• COENOBITE, n. A man who piously shuts himself up to meditate upon the sin of wickedness; and to keep it fresh in his mind joins a brotherhood of awful examples. ¶272
• O Coenobite, O coenobite, Monastical gregarian, You differ from the anchorite, That solitudinarian: With vollied prayers you wound Old Nick; With dropping shots he makes him sick. ¶273
• COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness. ¶275
• COMMENDATION, n. The tribute that we pay to achievements that resembles, but do not equal, our own. ¶276
• COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E. ¶277
• COMMONWEALTH, n. An administrative entity operated by an incalculable multitude of political parasites, logically active but fortuitously efficient. ¶278
• COMPROMISE, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due. ¶281
• COMPULSION, n. The eloquence of power. ¶282
• CONDOLE, v.i. To show that bereavement is a smaller evil than sympathy. ¶283
• CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided by _him_ to C. ¶284
• CONGRATULATION, n. The civility of envy. ¶285
• CONGRESS, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws. ¶286
• CONNOISSEUR, n. A specialist who knows everything about something and nothing about anything else. ¶287
• An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision, some wine was pouted on his lips to revive him. "Pauillac, 1873," he murmured and died. ¶288

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