The Devil's Dictionary — Ambrose Bierce

The Devil's Dictionary

Ambrose Bierce · Licence: Public domain · Source

• CONSERVATIVE, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others. ¶289
• CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself. ¶290
• CONSUL, n. In American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country. ¶291
• CONSULT, v.i. To seek another's disapproval of a course already decided on. ¶292
• CONTEMPT, n. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed. ¶293
• CONTROVERSY, n. A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the injurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet. ¶294
• CONVENT, n. A place of retirement for woman who wish for leisure to meditate upon the vice of idleness. ¶297
• CONVERSATION, n. A fair for the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbor. ¶298
• CORONATION, n. The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb. ¶299
• CORPORAL, n. A man who occupies the lowest rung of the military ladder. ¶300
• Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell, Our corporal heroically fell! Fame from her height looked down upon the brawl And said: "He hadn't very far to fall." ¶301
• CORPORATION, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. ¶303
• CORSAIR, n. A politician of the seas. ¶304
• COWARD, n. One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. ¶306
• CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but less indigestible. ¶307
• CREDITOR, n. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions. ¶310
• CREMONA, n. A high-priced violin made in Connecticut. ¶311
• CRITIC, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him. ¶312
• There is a land of pure delight, Beyond the Jordan's flood, Where saints, apparelled all in white, Fling back the critic's mud. ¶313
• And as he legs it through the skies, His pelt a sable hue, He sorrows sore to recognize The missiles that he threw. ¶314
• "Be good, be good!" the sisterhood Cry out in holy chorus, And, to dissuade from sin, parade Their various charms before us. ¶317
• But why, O why, has ne'er an eye Seen her of winsome manner And youthful grace and pretty face Flaunting the White Cross banner? ¶318
• Now where's the need of speech and screed To better our behaving? A simpler plan for saving man (But, first, is he worth saving?) ¶319
• Is, dears, when he declines to flee From bad thoughts that beset him, Ignores the Law as 't were a straw, And wants to sin--don't let him. ¶320
• CUI BONO? [Latin] What good would that do _me_? ¶321
• CUNNING, n. The faculty that distinguishes a weak animal or person from a strong one. It brings its possessor much mental satisfaction and great material adversity. An Italian proverb says: "The furrier gets the skins of more foxes than asses." ¶322
• CURIOSITY, n. An objectionable quality of the female mind. The desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul. ¶324
• CURSE, v.t. Energetically to belabor with a verbal slap-stick. This is an operation which in literature, particularly in the drama, is commonly fatal to the victim. Nevertheless, the liability to a cursing is a risk that cuts but a small figure in fixing the rates of life insurance. ¶325
• CYNIC, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. ¶326
• DANCE, v.i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. There are many kinds of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the two sexes have two characteristics in common: they are conspicuously innocent, and warmly loved by the vicious. ¶329
• A savage beast which, when it sleeps, Man girds at and despises, But takes himself away by leaps And bounds when it arises. ¶331
• DARING, n. One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man in security. ¶333
• DATARY, n. A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman Catholic Church, whose important function is to brand the Pope's bulls with the words _Datum Romae_. He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship of God. ¶334
• DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper--the former devoted to sins of business, the latter consecrated to the other sort. These two kinds of social activity overlap. ¶336
• Done with the work of breathing; done With all the world; the mad race run Through to the end; the golden goal Attained and found to be a hole! ¶338
• DEBAUCHEE, n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had the misfortune to overtake it. ¶340
• DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave-driver. ¶341
• DECALOGUE, n. A series of commandments, ten in number--just enough to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the Decalogue, calculated for this meridian. ¶344
• Thou shalt no God but me adore: 'Twere too expensive to have more. ¶345
• No images nor idols make For Robert Ingersoll to break. ¶346

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