The Devil's Dictionary — Ambrose Bierce

The Devil's Dictionary

Ambrose Bierce · License: Public domain · Source

• DISCRIMINATE, v.i. To note the particulars in which one person or thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another. ¶395
• DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others in their errors. ¶396
• DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude. ¶397
• DISOBEY, v.t. To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity of a command. ¶398
• His right to govern me is clear as day, My duty manifest to disobey; And if that fit observance e'er I shut May I and duty be alike undone. ¶399
• DISSEMBLE, v.i. To put a clean shirt upon the character. Let us dissemble. ¶401
• DISTANCE, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs, and keep. ¶403
• DISTRESS, n. A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. ¶404
• DIVINATION, n. The art of nosing out the occult. Divination is of as many kinds as there are fruit-bearing varieties of the flowering dunce and the early fool. ¶405
• DRAGOON, n. A soldier who combines dash and steadiness in so equal measure that he makes his advances on foot and his retreats on horseback. ¶407
• DRAMATIST, n. One who adapts plays from the French. ¶408
• Druids performed their religious rites in groves, and knew nothing of church mortgages and the season-ticket system of pew rents. They were, in short, heathens and--as they were once complacently catalogued by a distinguished prelate of the Church of England-- Dissenters. ¶410
• DUCK-BILL, n. Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back season. ¶411
• DUEL, n. A formal ceremony preliminary to the reconciliation of two enemies. Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance; if awkwardly performed the most unexpected and deplorable consequences sometimes ensue. A long time ago a man lost his life in a duel. ¶412
• DUTY, n. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire. ¶416
• Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court, Was wroth at his master, who'd kissed Lady Port. His anger provoked him to take the king's head, But duty prevailed, and he took the king's bread, Instead. ¶417
• EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition. ¶420
• EAVESDROP, v.i. Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and vices of another or yourself. ¶422
• ECCENTRICITY, n. A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ it to accentuate their incapacity. ¶425
• ECONOMY, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford. ¶426
• EDIBLE, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm. ¶427
• EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding. ¶430
• EFFECT, n. The second of two phenomena which always occur together in the same order. The first, called a Cause, is said to generate the other--which is no more sensible than it would be for one who has never seen a dog except in the pursuit of a rabbit to declare the rabbit the cause of a dog. ¶431
• EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. ¶432
• EJECTION, n. An approved remedy for the disease of garrulity. It is also much used in cases of extreme poverty. ¶434
• ELECTOR, n. One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the man of another man's choice. ¶435
• "Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity. This illustrious savant, after having made several voyages around the world, died on the Sandwich Islands and was devoured by savages, of whom not a single fragment was ever recovered." ¶437
• Electricity seems destined to play a most important part in the arts and industries. The question of its economical application to some purposes is still unsettled, but experiment has already proved that it will propel a street car better than a gas jet and give more light than a horse. ¶438
• ELEGY, n. A composition in verse, in which, without employing any of the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mind the dampest kind of dejection. The most famous English example begins somewhat like this: ¶439
• The cur foretells the knell of parting day; The loafing herd winds slowly o'er the lea; The wise man homeward plods; I only stay To fiddle-faddle in a minor key. ¶440
• ELOQUENCE, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white. ¶441
• ELYSIUM, n. An imaginary delightful country which the ancients foolishly believed to be inhabited by the spirits of the good. This ridiculous and mischievous fable was swept off the face of the earth by the early Christians--may their souls be happy in Heaven! ¶442
• EMANCIPATION, n. A bondman's change from the tyranny of another to the despotism of himself. ¶443
• He was a slave: at word he went and came; His iron collar cut him to the bone. Then Liberty erased his owner's name, Tightened the rivets and inscribed his own. ¶444
• EMOTION, n. A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes. ¶447
• ENCOMIAST, n. A special (but not particular) kind of liar. ¶448
• END, n. The position farthest removed on either hand from the Interlocutor. ¶449
• The man was perishing apace Who played the tambourine; The seal of death was on his face-- 'Twas pallid, for 'twas clean. ¶450
• "This is the end," the sick man said In faint and failing tones. A moment later he was dead, And Tambourine was Bones. ¶451
• ENOUGH, pro. All there is in the world if you like it. ¶453

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