The Devil's Dictionary — Ambrose Bierce

The Devil's Dictionary

Ambrose Bierce · Лицензия: Public domain · Источник

• Enough is as good as a feast--for that matter Enougher's as good as a feast for the platter. ¶454
• ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of death by injection. ¶456
• ENTHUSIASM, n. A distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of experience. Byron, who recovered long enough to call it "entuzy-muzy," had a relapse, which carried him off--to Missolonghi. ¶457
• ENVELOPE, n. The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter. ¶458
• ENVY, n. Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity. ¶459
• EPAULET, n. An ornamented badge, serving to distinguish a military officer from the enemy--that is to say, from the officer of lower rank to whom his death would give promotion. ¶460
• EPICURE, n. An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philosopher who, holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted no time in gratification from the senses. ¶461
• EPIGRAM, n. A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently characterized by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom. Following are some of the more notable epigrams of the learned and ingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom: ¶462
• We know better the needs of ourselves than of others. To serve oneself is economy of administration. ¶463
• In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity. ¶464
• There are three sexes; males, females and girls. ¶465
• Beauty in women and distinction in men are alike in this: they seem to the unthinking a kind of credibility. Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of. ¶466
• While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch both his. ¶467
• EPITAPH, n. An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect. Following is a touching example: ¶468
• Here lie the bones of Parson Platt, Wise, pious, humble and all that, Who showed us life as all should live it; Let that be said--and God forgive it! ¶469
• ERUDITION, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull. ¶470
• So wide his erudition's mighty span, He knew Creation's origin and plan And only came by accident to grief-- He thought, poor man, 'twas right to be a thief. ¶471
• ETHNOLOGY, n. The science that treats of the various tribes of Man, as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and ethnologists. ¶474
• EUCHARIST, n. A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi. A dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect as to what it was that they ate. In this controversy some five hundred thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. ¶475
• EULOGY, n. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead. ¶476
• EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of our neighbors. ¶477
• EXCESS, n. In morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriate penalties the law of moderation. ¶480
• This "excommunication" is a word In speech ecclesiastical oft heard, And means the damning, with bell, book and candle, Some sinner whose opinions are a scandal-- A rite permitting Satan to enslave him Forever, and forbidding Christ to save him. ¶483
• EXECUTIVE, n. An officer of the Government, whose duty it is to enforce the wishes of the legislative power until such time as the judicial department shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and of no effect. Following is an extract from an old book entitled, _The Lunarian Astonished_--Pfeiffer & Co., Boston, 1803: ¶485
• EXHORT, v.t. In religious affairs, to put the conscience of another upon the spit and roast it to a nut-brown discomfort. ¶487
• EXILE, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an ambassador. ¶488
• An English sea-captain being asked if he had read "The Exile of Erin," replied: "No, sir, but I should like to anchor on it." Years afterwards, when he had been hanged as a pirate after a career of unparalleled atrocities, the following memorandum was found in the ship's log that he had kept at the time of his reply: ¶489
• Aug. 3d, 1842. Made a joke on the ex-Isle of Erin. Coldly received. War with the whole world! ¶490
• A transient, horrible, fantastic dream, Wherein is nothing yet all things do seem: From which we're wakened by a friendly nudge Of our bedfellow Death, and cry: "O fudge!" ¶492
• EXPERIENCE, n. The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced. ¶493
• To one who, journeying through night and fog, Is mired neck-deep in an unwholesome bog, Experience, like the rising of the dawn, Reveals the path that he should not have gone. ¶494
• EXPOSTULATION, n. One of the many methods by which fools prefer to lose their friends. ¶496
• EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology created the future state. ¶497
• FAITH, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel. ¶500
• FAMOUS, adj. Conspicuously miserable. ¶501
• Done to a turn on the iron, behold Him who to be famous aspired. Content? Well, his grill has a plating of gold, And his twistings are greatly admired. ¶502
• FASHION, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey. ¶504
• A king there was who lost an eye In some excess of passion; And straight his courtiers all did try To follow the new fashion. ¶505
• Each dropped one eyelid when before The throne he ventured, thinking 'Twould please the king. That monarch swore He'd slay them all for winking. ¶506
• What should they do? They were not hot To hazard such disaster; They dared not close an eye--dared not See better than their master. ¶507

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