The Devil's Dictionary — Ambrose Bierce
SAPIR 861
The Devil's Dictionary
Ambrose Bierce · Licença: Public domain · Fonte
- Seeing them lacrymose and glum, A leech consoled the weepers: He spread small rags with liquid gum And covered half their peepers. ¶508
- The court all wore the stuff, the flame Of royal anger dying. That's how court-plaster got its name Unless I'm greatly lying. ¶509
- FELON, n. A person of greater enterprise than discretion, who in embracing an opportunity has formed an unfortunate attachment. ¶512
- FEMALE, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex. ¶513
- FIB, n. A lie that has not cut its teeth. An habitual liar's nearest approach to truth: the perigee of his eccentric orbit. ¶516
- FICKLENESS, n. The iterated satiety of an enterprising affection. ¶519
- FIDDLE, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat. ¶520
- To Rome said Nero: "If to smoke you turn I shall not cease to fiddle while you burn." To Nero Rome replied: "Pray do your worst, 'Tis my excuse that you were fiddling first." ¶521
- FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. ¶523
- FINANCE, n. The art or science of managing revenues and resources for the best advantage of the manager. The pronunciation of this word with the i long and the accent on the first syllable is one of America's most precious discoveries and possessions. ¶524
- FLAG, n. A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on forts and ships. It appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs that one sees on vacant lots in London--"Rubbish may be shot here." ¶525
- FLESH, n. The Second Person of the secular Trinity. ¶526
- FLOP, v. Suddenly to change one's opinions and go over to another party. The most notable flop on record was that of Saul of Tarsus, who has been severely criticised as a turn-coat by some of our partisan journals. ¶527
- FOLLY, n. That "gift and faculty divine" whose creative and controlling energy inspires Man's mind, guides his actions and adorns his life. ¶529
- Folly! although Erasmus praised thee once In a thick volume, and all authors known, If not thy glory yet thy power have shown, Deign to take homage from thy son who hunts Through all thy maze his brothers, fool and dunce, To mend their lives and to sustain his own, However feebly be his arrows thrown, ¶530
- Howe'er each hide the flying weapons blunts. All-Father Folly! be it mine to raise, With lusty lung, here on his western strand With all thine offspring thronged from every land, Thyself inspiring me, the song of praise. And if too weak, I'll hire, to help me bawl, Dick Watson Gilder, gravest of us all. ¶531
- "Force is but might," the teacher said-- "That definition's just." The boy said naught but thought instead, Remembering his pounded head: "Force is not might but must!" ¶535
- FOREFINGER, n. The finger commonly used in pointing out two malefactors. ¶536
- FORGETFULNESS, n. A gift of God bestowed upon doctors in compensation for their destitution of conscience. ¶538
- FORMA PAUPERIS. [Latin] In the character of a poor person--a method by which a litigant without money for lawyers is considerately permitted to lose his case. ¶540
- When Adam long ago in Cupid's awful court (For Cupid ruled ere Adam was invented) Sued for Eve's favor, says an ancient law report, He stood and pleaded unhabilimented. ¶541
- "You sue _in forma pauperis_, I see," Eve cried; "Actions can't here be that way prosecuted." So all poor Adam's motions coldly were denied: He went away--as he had come--nonsuited. ¶542
- FREEBOOTER, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude. ¶545
- Freedom, as every schoolboy knows, Once shrieked as Kosciusko fell; On every wind, indeed, that blows I hear her yell. ¶547
- She screams whenever monarchs meet, And parliaments as well, To bind the chains about her feet And toll her knell. ¶548
- And when the sovereign people cast The votes they cannot spell, Upon the pestilential blast Her clamors swell. ¶549
- For all to whom the power's given To sway or to compel, Among themselves apportion Heaven And give her Hell. ¶550
- FRIENDLESS, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense. ¶553
- FRIENDSHIP, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul. ¶554
- The sea was calm and the sky was blue; Merrily, merrily sailed we two. (High barometer maketh glad.) On the tipsy ship, with a dreadful shout, The tempest descended and we fell out. (O the walking is nasty bad!) ¶555
- Old Nick was summoned to the skies. Said Peter: "Your intentions Are good, but you lack enterprise Concerning new inventions. ¶559
- "Now, broiling is an ancient plan Of torment, but I hear it Reported that the frying-pan Sears best the wicked spirit. ¶560
- "Go get one--fill it up with fat-- Fry sinners brown and good in't." "I know a trick worth two o' that," Said Nick--"I'll cook their food in't." ¶561
- FUNERAL, n. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears. ¶562
- The savage dies--they sacrifice a horse To bear to happy hunting-grounds the corse. Our friends expire--we make the money fly In hope their souls will chase it to the sky. ¶563
- FUTURE, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured. ¶565
- GALLOWS, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is translated to heaven. In this country the gallows is chiefly remarkable for the number of persons who escape it. ¶567
- Whether on the gallows high Or where blood flows the reddest, The noblest place for man to die-- Is where he died the deadest. ¶568
- GARTHER, n. An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country. ¶571
- GENEROUS, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest. ¶572
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