The Devil's Dictionary — Ambrose Bierce

The Devil's Dictionary

Ambrose Bierce · License: Public domain · Source

• GENEALOGY, n. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own. ¶573
• GENTEEL, adj. Refined, after the fashion of a gent. ¶574
• Observe with care, my son, the distinction I reveal: A gentleman is gentle and a gent genteel. Heed not the definitions your "Unabridged" presents, For dictionary makers are generally gents. ¶575
• GEOGRAPHER, n. A chap who can tell you offhand the difference between the outside of the world and the inside. ¶577
• Habeam, geographer of wide reknown, Native of Abu-Keber's ancient town, In passing thence along the river Zam To the adjacent village of Xelam, Bewildered by the multitude of roads, Got lost, lived long on migratory toads, Then from exposure miserably died, And grateful travelers bewailed their guide. ¶578
• GHOST, n. The outward and visible sign of an inward fear. ¶581
• He saw a ghost. It occupied--that dismal thing!-- The path that he was following. Before he'd time to stop and fly, An earthquake trifled with the eye That saw a ghost. He fell as fall the early good; Unmoved that awful vision stood. The stars that danced before his ken He wildly brushed away, and then He saw a post. ¶582
• Accounting for the uncommon behavior of ghosts, Heine mentions somebody's ingenious theory to the effect that they are as much afraid of us as we of them. Not quite, if I may judge from such tables of comparative speed as I am able to compile from memories of my own experience. ¶584
• GLUTTON, n. A person who escapes the evils of moderation by committing dyspepsia. ¶587
• GNOSTICS, n. A sect of philosophers who tried to engineer a fusion between the early Christians and the Platonists. The former would not go into the caucus and the combination failed, greatly to the chagrin of the fusion managers. ¶589
• GNU, n. An animal of South Africa, which in its domesticated state resembles a horse, a buffalo and a stag. In its wild condition it is something like a thunderbolt, an earthquake and a cyclone. ¶590
• GOOD, adj. Sensible, madam, to the worth of this present writer. Alive, sir, to the advantages of letting him alone. ¶593
• The Gorgon was a maiden bold Who turned to stone the Greeks of old That looked upon her awful brow. We dig them out of ruins now, And swear that workmanship so bad Proves all the ancient sculptors mad. ¶596
• GOUT, n. A physician's name for the rheumatism of a rich patient. ¶597
• GRACES, n. Three beautiful goddesses, Aglaia, Thalia and Euphrosyne, who attended upon Venus, serving without salary. They were at no expense for board and clothing, for they ate nothing to speak of and dressed according to the weather, wearing whatever breeze happened to be blowing. ¶598
• GRAMMAR, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet for the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction. ¶599
• Hail noble fruit!--by Homer sung, Anacreon and Khayyam; Thy praise is ever on the tongue Of better men than I am. ¶601
• The lyre in my hand has never swept, The song I cannot offer: My humbler service pray accept-- I'll help to kill the scoffer. The water-drinkers and the cranks Who load their skins with liquor-- I'll gladly bear their belly-tanks And tap them with my sticker. ¶602
• Fill up, fill up, for wisdom cools When e'er we let the wine rest. Here's death to Prohibition's fools, And every kind of vine-pest! ¶603
• GRAPESHOT, n. An argument which the future is preparing in answer to the demands of American Socialism. ¶605
• GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student. ¶606
• Beside a lonely grave I stood-- With brambles 'twas encumbered; The winds were moaning in the wood, Unheard by him who slumbered, ¶607
• A rustic standing near, I said: "He cannot hear it blowing!" "'Course not," said he: "the feller's dead-- He can't hear nowt [sic] that's going." ¶608
• "Too true," I said; "alas, too true-- No sound his sense can quicken!" "Well, mister, wot is that to you?-- The deadster ain't a-kickin'." ¶609
• I knelt and prayed: "O Father, smile On him, and mercy show him!" That countryman looked on the while, And said: "Ye didn't know him." ¶610
• "I'm great," the Lion said--"I reign The monarch of the wood and plain!" ¶614
• The Elephant replied: "I'm great-- No quadruped can match my weight!" ¶615
• "I'm great--no animal has half So long a neck!" said the Giraffe. ¶616
• "I'm great," the Kangaroo said--"see My femoral muscularity!" ¶617
• The 'Possum said: "I'm great--behold, My tail is lithe and bald and cold!" ¶618
• An Oyster fried was understood To say: "I'm great because I'm good!" ¶619
• Each reckons greatness to consist In that in which he heads the list, ¶620
• And Vierick thinks he tops his class Because he is the greatest ass. ¶621
• GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason. ¶623
• HABEAS CORPUS. A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail when confined for the wrong crime. ¶628
• HABIT, n. A shackle for the free. ¶629
• HADES, n. The lower world; the residence of departed spirits; the place where the dead live. ¶630
• HAND, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. ¶635
• HAPPINESS, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. ¶638
• HARANGUE, n. A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harangue-outang. ¶639

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