The Devil's Dictionary — Ambrose Bierce

The Devil's Dictionary

Ambrose Bierce · רישיון: Public domain · מקור

• Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind See jokes in crowds, though still to gloom inclined-- Whose simple appetite, untaught to stray, His brains, renewed by night, consumes by day. He thinks, admitted to an equal sty, A graceful hog would bear his company. ¶698
• HURRY, n. The dispatch of bunglers. ¶701
• HUSBAND, n. One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the plate. ¶702
• HYDRA, n. A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many heads. ¶704
• HYENA, n. A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from its habit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead. But the medical student does that. ¶705
• HYPOCHONDRIASIS, n. Depression of one's own spirits. ¶706
• Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot Where long the village rubbish had been shot Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps-- "Hypochondriasis." It meant The Dumps. ¶707
• HYPOCRITE, n. One who, professing virtues that he does not respect secures the advantage of seeming to be what he despises. ¶709
• ICHOR, n. A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place of blood. ¶712
• Fair Venus, speared by Diomed, Restrained the raging chief and said: "Behold, rash mortal, whom you've bled-- Your soul's stained white with ichorshed!" ¶713
• IDLENESS, n. A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices. ¶717
• IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing about. ¶718
• Dumble was an ignoramus, Mumble was for learning famous. Mumble said one day to Dumble: "Ignorance should be more humble. Not a spark have you of knowledge That was got in any college." Dumble said to Mumble: "Truly You're self-satisfied unduly. Of things in college I'm denied A knowledge--you of all beside." ¶719
• ILLUMINATI, n. A sect of Spanish heretics of the latter part of the sixteenth century; so called because they were light weights-- _cunctationes illuminati_. ¶721
• ILLUSTRIOUS, adj. Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and detraction. ¶722
• IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership. ¶723
• IMBECILITY, n. A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting censorious critics of this dictionary. ¶724
• IMMIGRANT, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another. ¶725
• IMMODEST, adj. Having a strong sense of one's own merit, coupled with a feeble conception of worth in others. ¶726
• There was once a man in Ispahan Ever and ever so long ago, And he had a head, the phrenologists said, That fitted him for a show. ¶727
• For his modesty's bump was so large a lump (Nature, they said, had taken a freak) That its summit stood far above the wood Of his hair, like a mountain peak. ¶728
• So modest a man in all Ispahan, Over and over again they swore-- So humble and meek, you would vainly seek; None ever was found before. ¶729
• Meantime the hump of that awful bump Into the heavens contrived to get To so great a height that they called the wight The man with the minaret. ¶730
• There wasn't a man in all Ispahan Prouder, or louder in praise of his chump: With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung He bragged of that beautiful bump ¶731
• Till the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page Bearing a sack and a bow-string too, And that gentle child explained as he smiled: "A little present for you." ¶732
• The saddest man in all Ispahan, Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the same. "If I'd lived," said he, "my humility Had given me deathless fame!" ¶733
• A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for. ¶737
• IMPARTIAL, adj. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions. ¶740
• IMPENITENCE, n. A state of mind intermediate in point of time between sin and punishment. ¶741
• IMPIETY, n. Your irreverence toward my deity. ¶742
• IMPOSITION, n. The act of blessing or consecrating by the laying on of hands--a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, but performed with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves. ¶743
• "Lo! by the laying on of hands," Say parson, priest and dervise, "We consecrate your cash and lands To ecclesiastical service. No doubt you'll swear till all is blue At such an imposition. Do." ¶744
• IMPOSTOR n. A rival aspirant to public honors. ¶746
• IMPROVIDENCE, n. Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues of to-morrow. ¶749
• INCOMPATIBILITY, n. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination. Incompatibility may, however, consist of a meek-eyed matron living just around the corner. It has even been known to wear a moustache. ¶757
• INCUMBENT, n. A person of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents. ¶761
• "Your prompt decision to attack," said General Grant on a certain occasion to General Gordon Granger, "was admirable; you had but five minutes to make up your mind in." ¶763
• "Yes, sir," answered the victorious subordinate, "it is a great thing to know exactly what to do in an emergency. When in doubt whether to attack or retreat I never hesitate a moment--I toss up a copper." ¶764
• "Do you mean to say that's what you did this time?" ¶765
• "Yes, General; but for Heaven's sake don't reprimand me: I disobeyed the coin." ¶766

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