The Devil's Dictionary — Ambrose Bierce

The Devil's Dictionary

Ambrose Bierce · License: Public domain · Source

• A king, in times long, long gone by, Said to his lazy jester: "If I were you and you were I My moments merrily would fly-- Nor care nor grief to pester." ¶832
• "The reason, Sire, that you would thrive," The fool said--"if you'll hear it-- Is that of all the fools alive Who own you for their sovereign, I've The most forgiving spirit." ¶833
• KING'S EVIL, n. A malady that was formerly cured by the touch of the sovereign, but has now to be treated by the physicians. Thus "the most pious Edward" of England used to lay his royal hand upon the ailing subjects and make them whole-- ¶835
• a crowd of wretched souls That stay his cure: their malady convinces The great essay of art; but at his touch, Such sanctity hath Heaven given his hand, They presently amend, ¶836
• as the "Doctor" in _Macbeth_ hath it. This useful property of the royal hand could, it appears, be transmitted along with other crown properties; for according to "Malcolm," ¶837
• 'tis spoken To the succeeding royalty he leaves The healing benediction. ¶838
• Ye Kynge his evill in me laye, Wh. he of Scottlande charmed awaye. He layde his hand on mine and sayd: "Be gone!" Ye ill no longer stayd. But O ye wofull plyght in wh. I'm now y-pight: I have ye itche! ¶840
• The superstition that maladies can be cured by royal taction is dead, but like many a departed conviction it has left a monument of custom to keep its memory green. The practice of forming a line and shaking the President's hand had no other origin, and when that great dignitary bestows his healing salutation on ¶841
• strangely visited people, All swoln and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye, The mere despair of surgery, ¶842
• he and his patients are handing along an extinguished torch which once was kindled at the altar-fire of a faith long held by all classes of men. It is a beautiful and edifying "survival"--one which brings the sainted past close home in our "business and bosoms." ¶843
• KISS, n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for "bliss." It is supposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony appertaining to a good understanding; but the manner of its performance is unknown to this lexicographer. ¶844
• KLEPTOMANIAC, n. A rich thief. ¶845
• KORAN, n. A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures. ¶848
• LABOR, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. ¶850
• A life on the ocean wave, A home on the rolling deep, For the spark that nature gave I have there the right to keep. ¶852
• They give me the cat-o'-nine Whenever I go ashore. Then ho! for the flashing brine-- I'm a natural commodore! ¶853
• LANGUAGE, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding another's treasure. ¶855
• LAST, n. A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence as opportunity to the maker of puns. ¶858
• Ah, punster, would my lot were cast, Where the cobbler is unknown, So that I might forget his last And hear your own. ¶859
• LAUREL, n. The _laurus_, a vegetable dedicated to Apollo, and formerly defoliated to wreathe the brows of victors and such poets as had influence at court. (_Vide supra._) ¶863
• Once Law was sitting on the bench, And Mercy knelt a-weeping. "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! Nor come before me creeping. Upon your knees if you appear, 'Tis plain your have no standing here." ¶865
• Then Justice came. His Honor cried: "_Your_ status?--devil seize you!" "_Amica curiae,_" she replied-- "Friend of the court, so please you." "Begone!" he shouted--"there's the door-- I never saw your face before!" ¶866
• LAWFUL, adj. Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction. ¶868
• LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law. ¶869
• LAZINESS, n. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree. ¶870
• LEARNING, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious. ¶873
• LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience. ¶874
• LEGACY, n. A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of tears. ¶875
• LEONINE, adj. Unlike a menagerie lion. Leonine verses are those in which a word in the middle of a line rhymes with a word at the end, as in this famous passage from Bella Peeler Silcox: ¶876
• The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades. Cries Pluto, 'twixt his snores: "O tempora! O mores!" ¶877
• It should be explained that Mrs. Silcox does not undertake to teach pronunciation of the Greek and Latin tongues. Leonine verses are so called in honor of a poet named Leo, whom prosodists appear to find a pleasure in believing to have been the first to discover that a rhyming couplet could be run into a single line. ¶878
• LIAR, n. A lawyer with a roving commission. ¶884
• LIBERTY, n. One of Imagination's most precious possessions. ¶885
• The rising People, hot and out of breath, Roared around the palace: "Liberty or death!" "If death will do," the King said, "let me reign; You'll have, I'm sure, no reason to complain." ¶886
• "Life's not worth living, and that's the truth," Carelessly caroled the golden youth. In manhood still he maintained that view And held it more strongly the older he grew. When kicked by a jackass at eighty-three, "Go fetch me a surgeon at once!" cried he. ¶890
• LIGHTHOUSE, n. A tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician. ¶892
• LIMB, n. The branch of a tree or the leg of an American woman. ¶893
• LINEN, n. "A kind of cloth the making of which, when made of hemp, entails a great waste of hemp."--Calcraft the Hangman. ¶896
• LITIGANT, n. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones. ¶897
• LITIGATION, n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage. ¶898

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