The Devil's Dictionary — Ambrose Bierce

The Devil's Dictionary

Ambrose Bierce · Licence: Public domain · Source

• LOCK-AND-KEY, n. The distinguishing device of civilization and enlightenment. ¶901
• LODGER, n. A less popular name for the Second Person of that delectable newspaper Trinity, the Roomer, the Bedder, and the Mealer. ¶902
• LOGIC, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion--thus: ¶903
• _Major Premise_: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man. ¶904
• _Minor Premise_: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds; therefore-- ¶905
• _Conclusion_: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. ¶906
• This may be called the syllogism arithmetical, in which, by combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice blessed. ¶907
• LOGOMACHY, n. A war in which the weapons are words and the wounds punctures in the swim-bladder of self-esteem--a kind of contest in which, the vanquished being unconscious of defeat, the victor is denied the reward of success. ¶908
• 'Tis said by divers of the scholar-men That poor Salmasius died of Milton's pen. Alas! we cannot know if this is true, For reading Milton's wit we perish too. ¶909
• LONGANIMITY, n. The disposition to endure injury with meek forbearance while maturing a plan of revenge. ¶910
• LONGEVITY, n. Uncommon extension of the fear of death. ¶911
• LOOKING-GLASS, n. A vitreous plane upon which to display a fleeting show for man's disillusion given. ¶912
• LOQUACITY, n. A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish to talk. ¶915
• LOSS, n. Privation of that which we had, or had not. Thus, in the latter sense, it is said of a defeated candidate that he "lost his election"; and of that eminent man, the poet Gilder, that he has "lost his mind." It is in the former and more legitimate sense, that the word is used in the famous epitaph: ¶920
• Here Huntington's ashes long have lain Whose loss is our eternal gain, For while he exercised all his powers Whatever he gained, the loss was ours. ¶921
• LOW-BRED, adj. "Raised" instead of brought up. ¶923
• LUMINARY, n. One who throws light upon a subject; as an editor by not writing about it. ¶924
• LYRE, n. An ancient instrument of torture. The word is now used in a figurative sense to denote the poetic faculty, as in the following fiery lines of our great poet, Ella Wheeler Wilcox: ¶926
• MACE, n. A staff of office signifying authority. Its form, that of a heavy club, indicates its original purpose and use in dissuading from dissent. ¶930
• MACHINATION, n. The method employed by one's opponents in baffling one's open and honorable efforts to do the right thing. ¶931
• So plain the advantages of machination It constitutes a moral obligation, And honest wolves who think upon't with loathing Feel bound to don the sheep's deceptive clothing. So prospers still the diplomatic art, And Satan bows, with hand upon his heart. ¶932
• MAGIC, n. An art of converting superstition into coin. There are other arts serving the same high purpose, but the discreet lexicographer does not name them. ¶941
• MAGNET, n. Something acted upon by magnetism. ¶942
• MAGNETISM, n. Something acting upon a magnet. ¶943
• The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge. ¶944
• MAGNIFICENT, adj. Having a grandeur or splendor superior to that to which the spectator is accustomed, as the ears of an ass, to a rabbit, or the glory of a glowworm, to a maggot. ¶945
• MAGPIE, n. A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk. ¶947
• A lovelorn maiden she sat and sang-- This quaint, sweet song sang she; "It's O for a youth with a football bang And a muscle fair to see! The Captain he Of a team to be! On the gridiron he shall shine, A monarch by right divine, And never to roast on it--me!" ¶949
• MAJESTY, n. The state and title of a king. Regarded with a just contempt by the Most Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chancellors, Great Incohonees and Imperial Potentates of the ancient and honorable orders of republican America. ¶951
• MALE, n. A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as Mere Man. The genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers. ¶952
• MALEFACTOR, n. The chief factor in the progress of the human race. ¶953
• MALTHUSIAN, adj. Pertaining to Malthus and his doctrines. Malthus believed in artificially limiting population, but found that it could not be done by talking. One of the most practical exponents of the Malthusian idea was Herod of Judea, though all the famous soldiers have been of the same way of thinking. ¶954
• MAMMALIA, n.pl. A family of vertebrate animals whose females in a state of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightened put them out to nurse, or use the bottle. ¶955
• MAMMON, n. The god of the world's leading religion. The chief temple is in the holy city of New York. ¶956
• He swore that all other religions were gammon, And wore out his knees in the worship of Mammon. ¶957
• MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada. ¶959
• MANES, n. The immortal parts of dead Greeks and Romans. They were in a state of dull discomfort until the bodies from which they had exhaled were buried and burned; and they seem not to have been particularly happy afterward. ¶963
• MANICHEISM, n. The ancient Persian doctrine of an incessant warfare between Good and Evil. When Good gave up the fight the Persians joined the victorious Opposition. ¶964
• MANNA, n. A food miraculously given to the Israelites in the wilderness. When it was no longer supplied to them they settled down and tilled the soil, fertilizing it, as a rule, with the bodies of the original occupants. ¶965
• MARRIAGE, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two. ¶966

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