The Devil's Dictionary — Ambrose Bierce

The Devil's Dictionary

Ambrose Bierce · Licença: Public domain · Fonte

• MONUMENT, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated. ¶1019
• The bones of Agammemnon are a show, And ruined is his royal monument, ¶1020
• but Agammemnon's fame suffers no diminution in consequence. The monument custom has its _reductiones ad absurdum_ in monuments "to the unknown dead"--that is to say, monuments to perpetuate the memory of those who have left no memory. ¶1021
• MORAL, adj. Conforming to a local and mutable standard of right. Having the quality of general expediency. ¶1022
• It is sayd there be a raunge of mountaynes in the Easte, on one syde of the which certayn conducts are immorall, yet on the other syde they are holden in good esteeme; wherebye the mountayneer is much conveenyenced, for it is given to him to goe downe eyther way and act as it shall suite his moode, withouten offence. ¶1023
• MORE, adj. The comparative degree of too much. ¶1025
• MOUSQUETAIRE, n. A long glove covering a part of the arm. Worn in New Jersey. But "mousquetaire" is a might poor way to spell muskeeter. ¶1027
• MOUTH, n. In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the heart. ¶1028
• MUGWUMP, n. In politics one afflicted with self-respect and addicted to the vice of independence. A term of contempt. ¶1029
• MULATTO, n. A child of two races, ashamed of both. ¶1030
• MUMMY, n. An ancient Egyptian, formerly in universal use among modern civilized nations as medicine, and now engaged in supplying art with an excellent pigment. He is handy, too, in museums in gratifying the vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower animals. ¶1032
• MUSTANG, n. An indocile horse of the western plains. In English society, the American wife of an English nobleman. ¶1035
• MYRMIDON, n. A follower of Achilles--particularly when he didn't lead. ¶1036
• MYTHOLOGY, n. The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later. ¶1037
• NECTAR, n. A drink served at banquets of the Olympian deities. The secret of its preparation is lost, but the modern Kentuckians believe that they come pretty near to a knowledge of its chief ingredient. ¶1039
• Juno drank a cup of nectar, But the draught did not affect her. Juno drank a cup of rye-- Then she bad herself good-bye. ¶1040
• NEGRO, n. The _piece de resistance_ in the American political problem. Representing him by the letter n, the Republicans begin to build their equation thus: "Let n = the white man." This, however, appears to give an unsatisfactory solution. ¶1042
• NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient. ¶1043
• NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party. ¶1044
• NEWTONIAN, adj. Pertaining to a philosophy of the universe invented by Newton, who discovered that an apple will fall to the ground, but was unable to say why. His successors and disciples have advanced so far as to be able to say when. ¶1045
• NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi. ¶1046
• NIRVANA, n. In the Buddhist religion, a state of pleasurable annihilation awarded to the wise, particularly to those wise enough to understand it. ¶1047
• NOBLEMAN, n. Nature's provision for wealthy American minds ambitious to incur social distinction and suffer high life. ¶1048
• NOISE, n. A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief product and authenticating sign of civilization. ¶1049
• NOMINATE, v. To designate for the heaviest political assessment. To put forward a suitable person to incur the mudgobbing and deadcatting of the opposition. ¶1050
• NOMINEE, n. A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction of private life and diligently seeking the honorable obscurity of public office. ¶1051
• NON-COMBATANT, n. A dead Quaker. ¶1052
• NONSENSE, n. The objections that are urged against this excellent dictionary. ¶1053
• There's a man with a Nose, And wherever he goes The people run from him and shout: "No cotton have we For our ears if so be He blow that interminous snout!" ¶1055
• So the lawyers applied For injunction. "Denied," Said the Judge: "the defendant prefixion, Whate'er it portend, Appears to transcend The bounds of this court's jurisdiction." ¶1056
• NOTORIETY, n. The fame of one's competitor for public honors. The kind of renown most accessible and acceptable to mediocrity. A Jacob's-ladder leading to the vaudeville stage, with angels ascending and descending. ¶1058
• NOVEMBER, n. The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. ¶1061
• OATH, n. In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the conscience by a penalty for perjury. ¶1063
• OBLIVION, n. The state or condition in which the wicked cease from struggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame's eternal dumping ground. Cold storage for high hopes. A place where ambitious authors meet their works without pride and their betters without envy. A dormitory without an alarm clock. ¶1064
• OBSERVATORY, n. A place where astronomers conjecture away the guesses of their predecessors. ¶1065
• OBSTINATE, adj. Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the splendor and stress of our advocacy. ¶1068
• The popular type and exponent of obstinacy is the mule, a most intelligent animal. ¶1069
• OCCIDENT, n. The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient. ¶1071
• OCEAN, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man--who has no gills. ¶1072
• OFFENSIVE, adj. Generating disagreeable emotions or sensations, as the advance of an army against its enemy. ¶1073

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