The Devil's Dictionary — Ambrose Bierce

The Devil's Dictionary

Ambrose Bierce · Άδεια: Public domain · Πηγή

• PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another. ¶1130
• PAINTING, n. The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic. ¶1131
• Formerly, painting and sculpture were combined in the same work: the ancients painted their statues. The only present alliance between the two arts is that the modern painter chisels his patrons. ¶1132
• PALACE, n. A fine and costly residence, particularly that of a great official. The residence of a high dignitary of the Christian Church is called a palace; that of the Founder of his religion was known as a field, or wayside. There is progress. ¶1133
• PANDEMONIUM, n. Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a lecture hall by the Audible Reformer. When disturbed by his voice the ancient echoes clamor appropriate responses most gratifying to his pride of distinction. ¶1136
• PANTALOONS, n. A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male. The garment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points of flexion. Supposed to have been invented by a humorist. Called "trousers" by the enlightened and "pants" by the unworthy. ¶1137
• PANTHEISM, n. The doctrine that everything is God, in contradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything. ¶1138
• PANTOMIME, n. A play in which the story is told without violence to the language. The least disagreeable form of dramatic action. ¶1139
• PARDON, v. To remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime. To add to the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude. ¶1140
• PASSPORT, n. A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special reprobation and outrage. ¶1141
• PASTIME, n. A device for promoting dejection. Gentle exercise for intellectual debility. ¶1143
• PATIENCE, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue. ¶1144
• PATRIOT, n. One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors. ¶1145
• PATRIOTISM, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name. ¶1146
• In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. ¶1147
• PEACE, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. ¶1148
• O, what's the loud uproar assailing Mine ears without cease? 'Tis the voice of the hopeful, all-hailing The horrors of peace. ¶1149
• Ah, Peace Universal; they woo it-- Would marry it, too. If only they knew how to do it 'Twere easy to do. ¶1150
• They're working by night and by day On their problem, like moles. Have mercy, O Heaven, I pray, On their meddlesome souls! ¶1151
• PEDESTRIAN, n. The variable (an audible) part of the roadway for an automobile. ¶1153
• PEDIGREE, n. The known part of the route from an arboreal ancestor with a swim bladder to an urban descendant with a cigarette. ¶1154
• PENITENT, adj. Undergoing or awaiting punishment. ¶1155
• PERFECTION, n. An imaginary state of quality distinguished from the actual by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic. ¶1156
• The editor of an English magazine having received a letter pointing out the erroneous nature of his views and style, and signed "Perfection," promptly wrote at the foot of the letter: "I don't agree with you," and mailed it to Matthew Arnold. ¶1157
• PERIPATETIC, adj. Walking about. Relating to the philosophy of Aristotle, who, while expounding it, moved from place to place in order to avoid his pupil's objections. A needless precaution--they knew no more of the matter than he. ¶1158
• PERORATION, n. The explosion of an oratorical rocket. It dazzles, but to an observer having the wrong kind of nose its most conspicuous peculiarity is the smell of the several kinds of powder used in preparing it. ¶1159
• PERSEVERANCE, n. A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success. ¶1160
• PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. ¶1163
• PHILANTHROPIST, n. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket. ¶1164
• PHILISTINE, n. One whose mind is the creature of its environment, following the fashion in thought, feeling and sentiment. He is sometimes learned, frequently prosperous, commonly clean and always solemn. ¶1165
• PHILOSOPHY, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing. ¶1166
• PHOENIX, n. The classical prototype of the modern "small hot bird." ¶1167
• PHONOGRAPH, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises. ¶1168
• PHOTOGRAPH, n. A picture painted by the sun without instruction in art. It is a little better than the work of an Apache, but not quite so good as that of a Cheyenne. ¶1169
• PHRENOLOGY, n. The science of picking the pocket through the scalp. It consists in locating and exploiting the organ that one is a dupe with. ¶1170
• PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well. ¶1171
• PHYSIOGNOMY, n. The art of determining the character of another by the resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which is the standard of excellence. ¶1172
• "There is no art," says Shakespeare, foolish man, "To read the mind's construction in the face." The physiognomists his portrait scan, And say: "How little wisdom here we trace! He knew his face disclosed his mind and heart, So, in his own defence, denied our art." ¶1173
• PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience. ¶1175
• PICKANINNY, n. The young of the _Procyanthropos_, or _Americanus dominans_. It is small, black and charged with political fatalities. ¶1176

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