The Devil's Dictionary — Ambrose Bierce

The Devil's Dictionary

Ambrose Bierce · רישיון: Public domain · מקור

• HARBOR, n. A place where ships taking shelter from stores are exposed to the fury of the customs. ¶640
• HARMONISTS, n. A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came from Europe in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished for the bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions. ¶641
• HASH, x. There is no definition for this word--nobody knows what hash is. ¶642
• HATCHET, n. A young axe, known among Indians as a Thomashawk. ¶643
• "O bury the hatchet, irascible Red, For peace is a blessing," the White Man said. The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred, With imposing rites, in the White Man's head. ¶644
• HATRED, n. A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. ¶646
• HEAD-MONEY, n. A capitation tax, or poll-tax. ¶647
• HEARSE, n. Death's baby-carriage. ¶650
• Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode Of motion, but I know now how he's proving His point; but this I know--hot words bestowed With skill will set the human fist a-moving, And where it stops the stars burn free and wild. _Crede expertum_--I have seen them, child. ¶653
• HEATHEN, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel. According to Professor Howison, of the California State University, Hebrews are heathens. ¶655
• "The Hebrews are heathens!" says Howison. He's A Christian philosopher. I'm A scurril agnostical chap, if you please, Addicted too much to the crime Of religious discussion in my rhyme. ¶656
• Though Hebrew and Howison cannot agree On a _modus vivendi_--not they!-- Yet Heaven has had the designing of me, And I haven't been reared in a way To joy in the thick of the fray. ¶657
• For this of my creed is the soul and the gist, And the truth of it I aver: Who differs from me in his faith is an 'ist, And 'ite, an 'ie, or an 'er-- And I'm down upon him or her! ¶658
• Let Howison urge with perfunctory chin Toleration--that's all very well, But a roast is "nuts" to his nostril thin, And he's running--I know by the smell-- A secret and personal Hell! ¶659
• HEAVEN, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own. ¶661
• HEBREW, n. A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an altogether superior creation. ¶662
• HELPMATE, n. A wife, or bitter half. ¶663
• "Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?" Says the priest. "Since the time 'o yer wooin' She's niver [sic] assisted in what ye were at-- For it's naught ye are ever doin'." ¶664
• "That's true of yer Riverence [sic]," Patrick replies, And no sign of contrition envices; "But, bedad, it's a fact which the word implies, For she helps to mate the expinses [sic]!" ¶665
• HEMP, n. A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article of neckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in the open air and prevents the wearer from taking cold. ¶667
• HERMIT, n. A person whose vices and follies are not sociable. ¶668
• HIPPOGRIFF, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, a one-quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises. ¶671
• HISTORIAN, n. A broad-gauge gossip. ¶672
• HISTORY, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools. ¶673
• Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown 'Tis nine-tenths lying. Faith, I wish 'twere known, Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide, Wherein he blundered and how much he lied. ¶674
• HOMOEOPATHIST, n. The humorist of the medical profession. ¶677
• HOMOEOPATHY, n. A school of medicine midway between Allopathy and Christian Science. To the last both the others are distinctly inferior, for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and they can not. ¶678
• HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homocide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another--the classification is for advantage of the lawyers. ¶679
• HOMILETICS, n. The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation. ¶680
• HONORABLE, adj. Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." ¶683
• HOPE, n. Desire and expectation rolled into one. ¶684
• HOSPITALITY, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and lodging. ¶687
• HOSTILITY, n. A peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense of the earth's overpopulation. Hostility is classified as active and passive; as (respectively) the feeling of a woman for her female friends, and that which she entertains for all the rest of her sex. ¶688
• HOURI, n. A comely female inhabiting the Mohammedan Paradise to make things cheery for the good Mussulman, whose belief in her existence marks a noble discontent with his earthly spouse, whom he denies a soul. By that good lady the Houris are said to be held in deficient esteem. ¶689
• HOUSELESS, adj. Having paid all taxes on household goods. ¶691
• HOVEL, n. The fruit of a flower called the Palace. ¶692
• Twaddle had a hovel, Twiddle had a palace; Twaddle said: "I'll grovel Or he'll think I bear him malice"-- A sentiment as novel As a castor on a chalice. ¶693
• Down upon the middle Of his legs fell Twaddle And astonished Mr. Twiddle, Who began to lift his noddle. Feed upon the fiddle- Faddle flummery, unswaddle A new-born self-sufficiency and think himself a [mockery.] ¶694
• HUMANITY, n. The human race, collectively, exclusive of the anthropoid poets. ¶696
• HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes, cat-quick. ¶697

חזרההלאה →ספרי אמרות