The Devil's Dictionary — Ambrose Bierce

The Devil's Dictionary

Ambrose Bierce · الترخيص: Public domain · المصدر

• ARDOR, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge. ¶120
• ARENA, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesman wrestles with his record. ¶121
• ARISTOCRACY, n. Government by the best men. (In this sense the word is obsolete; so is that kind of government.) Fellows that wear downy hats and clean shirts--guilty of education and suspected of bank accounts. ¶122
• ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith. ¶123
• ARRAYED, pp. Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a rioter hanged to a lamppost. ¶124
• ARREST, v.t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness. ¶125
• God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. ¶126
• ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn. ¶128
• "Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get," Consenting, he did speak up; "'Tis better you should eat it, pet, Than put it in my teacup." ¶129
• ART, n. This word has no definition. Its origin is related as follows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J. ¶131
• ARTLESSNESS, n. A certain engaging quality to which women attain by long study and severe practice upon the admiring male, who is pleased to fancy it resembles the candid simplicity of his young. ¶133
• ASPERSE, v.t. Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actions which one has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit. ¶134
• "Hail, holy Ass!" the quiring angels sing; "Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King!" Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine: God made all else, the Mule, the Mule is thine!" ¶136
• AUCTIONEER, n. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue. ¶138
• AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island. ¶139
• AVERNUS, n. The lake by which the ancients entered the infernal regions. The fact that access to the infernal regions was obtained by a lake is believed by the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator to have suggested the Christian rite of baptism by immersion. This, however, has been shown by Lactantius to be an error. ¶140
• _Facilis descensus Averni,_ The poet remarks; and the sense Of it is that when down-hill I turn I Will get more of punches than pence. ¶141
• Ere babes were invented The girls were contended. Now man is tormented Until to buy babes he has squandered His money. And so I have pondered This thing, and thought may be 'T were better that Baby The First had been eagled or condored. ¶146
• BACCHUS, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. ¶148
• Is public worship, then, a sin, That for devotions paid to Bacchus The lictors dare to run us in, And resolutely thump and whack us? ¶149
• BACK, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity. ¶151
• BACKBITE, v.t. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you. ¶152
• BAIT, n. A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best kind is beauty. ¶153
• BAPTISM, n. A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. It is performed with water in two ways--by immersion, or plunging, and by aspersion, or sprinkling. ¶154
• But whether the plan of immersion Is better than simple aspersion Let those immersed And those aspersed Decide by the Authorized Version, And by matching their agues tertian. ¶155
• BAROMETER, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. ¶157
• BARRACK, n. A house in which soldiers enjoy a portion of that of which it is their business to deprive others. ¶158
• BASTINADO, n. The act of walking on wood without exertion. ¶160
• BATH, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship, with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined. ¶161
• The man who taketh a steam bath He loseth all the skin he hath, And, for he's boiled a brilliant red, Thinketh to cleanliness he's wed, Forgetting that his lungs he's soiling With dirty vapors of the boiling. ¶162
• BATTLE, n. A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot that would not yield to the tongue. ¶164
• BEARD, n. The hair that is commonly cut off by those who justly execrate the absurd Chinese custom of shaving the head. ¶165
• BEAUTY, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. ¶166
• BEFRIEND, v.t. To make an ingrate. ¶167
• BEG, v. To ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the belief that it will not be given. ¶168
• Who is that, father? A mendicant, child, Haggard, morose, and unaffable--wild! See how he glares through the bars of his cell! With Citizen Mendicant all is not well. ¶169
• Why did they put him there, father? ¶170
• Because Obeying his belly he struck at the laws. ¶171
• Oh, well, he was starving, my boy-- A state in which, doubtless, there's little of joy. No bite had he eaten for days, and his cry Was "Bread!" ever "Bread!" ¶173
• With little to wear, he had nothing to sell; To beg was unlawful--improper as well. ¶175

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